Sports shoe
A insurer to broker ----Come let's play a game of chess
Broker-Wait, let me put on my sports shoe

Statue
An insurance man went to see a and he accidentally hit a statue. Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue u've broken.
Insurance man: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Night club
One insurance guy to another: Why do you take your ur wife only to night clubs?
Other insurer: By the time she gets ready no other place is
open

Electric Motor
A mechanical engineer came for job interview to an insurer Insurance manager: How does an electric motor run?
Engineer: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr.....
Insurance manager shouts: Stop it.
Engineer: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...

Divorce
Insurance man to his lawyer: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to min six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!

Happy Boss
A Happy Insurance Boss tells his employees.
You worked very hard this year. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a cheque for $ 5000. If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks

Insurance competition

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan
"Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with
"Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with
"From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the ace, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

The Underwriter & his wife(New)

Underwriter's Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Underwriter: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Underwriter's wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Underwriter: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Real Quality Dog(New)

John went to a pet store and selected a kind looking dog. He asked the salesperson about the dog's pedigree.
She said the dog came from a very long line of distinguished ancestors. Both its father and grandfather were dogs.
Its mother, she said, was a bitch and its grandmother was a r-e-a-l bitch. John was delighted and said, "Is this dog smart and intelligent?"
"Oh, yes," she said, "this dog is so smart that within a week it would teach your entire family to talk in its language."
John was impressed and asked if the dog was faithful.
The salesperson replied, "I have sold this dog five times and it has always come back."

Chinese price (New)
It's apparently a tradition for Canadian officials and members of parliament to hand out the pins as gifts,according to an article. The pins were made for 35 years in a Canadian factory, but -- big surprise -- China can make it cheaper. And the Chinese workers have agreed not to goof off, not to take a break every 28 hours.

Worker: "Ouch! I just pricked my finger on one of those maple leaf pins."

Boss: "Keep on working. You got nine other fingers."

Worker: "Ouch! I just pricked another finger."

Boss: "Darn it! If you keep doing this, I might have to turn the lights on. Electricity is expensive, you know."

 

Q: How is a hospital gown like insurance? (New)

A: You're never covered as much as you think you are.

 

Missed the Train (New)

Two brokers and an insurer walked down to the train station after a marathon meeting. They were so absorbed in their conversation that they didn't hear the train arrive, but they did notice the noise of the train as it started to depart. After a desperate rush the two brokers managed to scramble onboard. The insurer looked sad and a passing railway official said, 'Don't feel bad, at least two out of three of you made it.' 'True…', sighed the insurer, 'But those two were only here to see me off!'

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Woman, Man & Insurance

These two jokes are compliments of students in CE seminars:
Q: Do you know what a woman and insurance have in common?
A: They are both expensive, difficult to understand and what you get is not guaranteed.

Q: Do you know the difference between a man and a whole life policy?
A: A whole life policy eventually matures.

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Insurance Agents

A drunk wanders into the lounge of a hotel where an insurance convention is being held, intent on causing trouble. He yells, "I think all insurance agents are crooks, and if anyone doesn't like it, come up and do something about it."
Immediately, a man runs up to the drunk and says, "You take that back!"
The drunk snears and replies, "Why, are you an agent?"
"No," the man replies, "I'm a crook."

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Money & Broker

Q What do you get when you cross a monkey with a broker?
A Nothing; there's some things even a monkey won't do.

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Confucius say's
Needing insurance is like needing a parachute. If it isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing it again.

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Agent, Broker & an Actuary

An agent, broker, and actuary are all caught drinking smuggled liquor while staying in Saudi Arabia.
Under Saudi law, simply possessing alcohol is an offense punishable by death.
However, the local prince is feeling generous that day, so he commutes the death sentence and instead sentences each to 20 lashes. After further thought, the prince does not want to offend the American government, so he also grants each a wish to ease their suffering.
The broker is punished first because he drank the most.
"What is your wish?", asks the saudi prince.
"I'd like to have a pillow on my back," replies the broker.
So a pillow is placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillow holds up for about 10 lashes, after which the broker screams out in pain.
The actuary had only a few drinks, so he is punished next.
"I'd like to have two pillows on my back," boldly states the actuary.
So two pillows are placed on his back, and the punishment begins. The pillows hold up for about 15 lashes, after which the actuary screams out in pain.
Finally, the agent steps forward. Of the three, he was the only one who didn't drink. The Saudi prince is impressed by this, and grants him two wishes.
The agent then states, "Well, for my first wish, I want to receive 100 lashes, not 20."
"Your courage is impressive," states the prince. "and for your second wish?"
"Strap the actuary onto my back", replies the agent.

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Selling Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

_Go back the humour list _______________________________________________________________

Insurance Claim

KH06352@swtexas.bitnet
(original, chuckle)
I.M. Nepane
123 Main Street
Austin, Tx 70069

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir;

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment in Guadalupe Valley General Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity." I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and feel striking my knee. Unthinkingly I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to it's normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body which were still exposed where trapped between the devices lid and it's main body. Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump back. It quickly came to my attention that when one's privates are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to re-open the lid, however, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking mechanism
to engage. I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and subsequently removed my keys from them. I intended to try to force the lock of the device open with one of my keys, thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational manner
as I could. An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and decided that
this was a problem requiring the attention of the store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly. She attempted to unlock the device
with her keys. Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could not
get her key in. Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as indicated
on your form in block 21(b)(1) ).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 "On-the-Spot" news team. The
guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was obviously a
rescue operation. The senior member of the team discovered that the device was
attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only be reached once the
device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means of tearing apart the device
located in the stall next to the one that I was in, since the value of the
property destroyed in his examination was less than fifty dollars/my deductible
I did not include it in my claim.) His partner, who seemed like an intelligent
fellow at the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the wall
with the propane torch that was in the fire-rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall. Had I been in a state to think of
such things, I might have realized that in cutting the device from the wall
several things would also inevitably happen. (1) The air inside of the device
would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same
effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven. (2) The metal
in the device is a good conductor of heat causing items that are in contact with
the device to react as if thrown into a hot skillet. (3) Molten metal would
shower the inside if the device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a small
pry bar to be placed inside of the device. The EMS team then loaded me, along
with the device, into the waiting ambulance, enroute to my destination as
stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalization.
Sincerely,

/s/ I.M. Nepane

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It's an Actuary again

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

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Duck Hunting
Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it. (Several variations on this: golf shots; head in refrigerator and feet in oven; etc.)

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When God created Actuaries

What did God say when he created Actuaries? He scratched his head and said, "Go figure!" They took it literally

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Actuarial Flexibility

An actuary is flexible; he/she is either right, or can prove it to be so.

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Lawyer, Accountant & an Actuary
A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go to the office to do some work.

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Train Journey
A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are traveling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.
On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."

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Water Sprinkler
A man with a wooden leg wanted to buy fire insurance for his leg. The first actuary quoted an annual premium of $500, estimating that the leg would burn once in 20 years and the value of the leg is $10,000. The second actuary quoted an annual premium of $50. When the second actuary was asked how he arrived at such a small figure, he replied, "I have this situation in the fire schedule rating table. The object is a wooden structure with an upper sprinkler, isn't it?"

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Doctor, Engineer & an Actuary
A doctor, an engineer and an actuary were arguing about which was the oldest profession. The doctor stated that God created Eve from Adam's rib, which was of course a surgical procedure. The engineer argued that, earlier, God had created order from chaos, which was an engineering feat. "But," asked the actuary, "who created the chaos?"

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Actuary in the shower

Question: How do you keep an actuary in the shower all day? Answer: Give the actuary a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

 

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Keep the egg
An actuary owns hens that lay eggs, and he collects one egg from them every morning fpr breakfast. He also has an accountant neighbor who watches him collect the eggs each day. One day, one of the hens gets out of its cage and lays the egg in the acountant's back yard. The actuary sees this and challenges the accountant over ownership of the egg. An argument ensues, and the actuary offers to settle it in a contest: "We take turns in kicking each other where it hurts, and whoever takes the least time to get up wins the egg."
The accountant agrees, and the actuary gets to kick first. He goes inside, puts on his steel capped boots, takes a run at the accountant and kicks for his life, right where it hurts the most.
The accountant collapses, and hobbles to his feet after about half an hour. "Now it's my turn," he says with some relish.
The actuary responds, "Nah, keep the egg."

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Actuary & an Underwriter
An actuary and an underwriter are watching the eleven o'clock news. A story comes on involving a man on a window ledge threatening to jump. The underwriter says, "I'll bet you fifty bucks he doesn't jump." The actuary says, "I'll take the bet." A few minutes later they see that the guy does indeed jump. As the underwriter reaches for his wallet, the actuary says, "Never mind. It's not fair. I saw the six o'clock news." The underwriter responds, "So did I. I just didn't think it would happen twice."

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Fight between professions
Two underwriters boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an actuary got on and took the aisle seat next to the two underwriters. The actuary kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the underwriter in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a soda." "No problem," said the actuary, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the underwriters picked up the actuary's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the soda, the other underwriter said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the actuary obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other underwriter picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Actuary returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Actuary slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in sodas?"

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On the other hand
The CEO of a insurance company loses his Chief Actuary and hires a firm of headhunters to find a new one. After a while they contact him to say they have five candidates for interview. To their surprise he asks if any of them has only one arm. After checking the files they indeed find one who has only one arm. The CEO immediately says "ok, I'll take him". When asked why, the CEO replies "I want an actuary who can make a decision. I'm fed up with actuaries who keep saying "but on the other hand..."

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To make an Actuary laugh
How do you get an actuary to laugh on a Thursday? Tell him or her a joke on a Monday.

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Explain your work
The actuary from New York City was interviewing for a job in another city, and it seems the prospective boss did not like New Yorkers. The boss said to the actuary, "In this job, sometimes you will have to explain your work to people without using numbers. For example, how would you explain the number nine without using numbers?"
The actuary thinks for a moment and draws three trees on a piece of paper. "That's easy," he says. "Tree plus tree plus tree equals nine."
The boss thinks the actuary is a wise-guy and replies, "Hmm, how would you explain the number ninety-nine without using numbers?"
The actuary thinks a little longer this time and smudges each of the three trees with his thumb. "Dirty-tree plus Dirty-tree plus Dirty-tree equals ninety-nine," he says with a smile.

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Information on an insurance claim
This one needs an introduction, so you won't be lost at the beginning.
This man was in an accident (work accident, not car accident), so he
filled out an insurance claim. The insurance company contacted him and
asked for more information. This was his response:

"I am writing in response to your request for additional information,
for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning'
as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should
explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was
working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had
completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several
trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare
hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by
hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using the
pulley attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower. Securing the
rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the
tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the 300
pounds of tools."

"You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I
weigh only 155 pounds. Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground
so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the
rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up
the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the
barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken
collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not
stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into
the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of
mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At
approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel."

"Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately
20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you
might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In
the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, and the lacerations of my legs
and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen
my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only
three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I
lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty
barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of
the rope..."

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Best salesman
Sid Needham walked into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" the manager told him.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"I see. Well, we have two prospects that none of our agents has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

Ole Sid was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them not one, but two checks, one for a $50,000.00 policy and another for $ 100,000.00 $100,000.00.
"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you, I'm the world's best salesman. I can sell anything to anyone, anytime, anywhere!"

"OK. Did you get a urine sample?" the manager asked.

"What urine sample?" asked Sid.

"If you sell a policy over $49,999.00 the company requires a urine sample. Here, take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Sid dashed out, thrilled with his success and eager to complete the job. He was gone about 5 hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Swanson's and this one is Mr. Frieden's."

"That is good" they said, "but what is in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having The City Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

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You might be in insurance industry if…..
1. You have sat in the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different companies.
2. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
3. When someone asks what you do for a living, you lie.
4. You get really excited about a 2% pay rise.
5. Your biggest loss from a systems crash is that you lose your best jokes.
6. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
7. It's dark on your drive to and from work.
8. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
9. Communication is something your "group" is having problems with.
10. You see a good-looking person and know it is a visitor.
11. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
12. Art involves a white board.
13. All real work is done prior 9:00 AM and after 5:00 PM.
14. You're already late on the assignment you just received.
15. Dilbert is your favorite cartoon.
16. Your boss's favorite lines are ...
"when you get a few minutes ..."
"in your spare time ..."
"when you're freed-up ..."
"I have an opportunity for you ..."
17. More than 10% of the people in your company do not know what you do.
18. Vacation is something you rollover to next year or a check you get every January.
19. Change is the norm.
20. Nepotism is encouraged.
21. You read this entire list and understand it.

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Feedback Form

Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident:

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus.

A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows:

Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn

Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo

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Insuring burnt cars
A man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list of coverage.
First, there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium.
Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium.
At the end, he noticed that there was an anti-fire and anti theft policy for only $50! He asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'
The receptionist replied 'Simple Sir. Because nobody steals a burnt car!'

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An Actuary and a Mafia don
Q : What's the difference between an Actuary and the Mafia Don?
A : The Actuary can tell you how many people will die this year. The Mafia Don can tell you the names of all of them.

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Cancel the policy
The storage place at Larry and Suzan's burned down, and Suzan called the insurance company.
Suzan: "We had that storage place insured for fifty thousand dollars and I want my money."
Agent: "Well just a minute, Mam, it doesn't work quite like that. First, we will determine the value of the old store and provide you with a new one of equivalent value."
Suzan, after a pause: "well, if this is the case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband!"

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Financial hardship
A lady sends her insurance company a letter asking to cancel her husband's life insurance policy. "We've always paid on time" she explained, "but since my dear husband passed away, I have some financial difficulties and can no longer afford to pay you the yearly premium !"

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Adam & Eve
Q : Where was the first mention of insurance in the bible?
A : When Adam and eve needed more coverage .

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How do you start a flood
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house was destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

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Sea Pirate
After many years at sea a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he should collect on his workers compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg."

Agent: "that is certainly work related. how did you loose your hand."

Pirate: "well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom she swang 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand."

Agent: "that's also work related. how did you loose your eye?" in a booming voice the pirate replied:

"well matey, i was laying on the deck one balmy day catching some rays when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!"

Agent: "what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

Pirate: "it were the first day with me hook!"

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Life Insurance Agent
Life insurance agent to would-be client: "Don't let me frighten you into a hasty decision. Sleep on it tonight. If you wake in the morning, give me a call then and let me know."

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Premium lovers
Insurance agents are premium lovers.

Insurance agents do it with third parties.

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Insurance Salesmen
Three Insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each companies service.
The first one said, "When one of our insureds died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening."
The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a check the same evening."
The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the World Trade Center, Tower 1. One of our insured who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as passed our floor."

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Insurance Claim
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire
stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet
to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.
The man sued ... and won!!
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for
the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."
After the man cashed his check, however, the
insurance company had him arrested... on 24
counts of arson!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

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Life is insured
A boy tells his mother, " Mom, I also want to go swimming into the sea"
The mother replies, " No son, the weather is not good, the sea is rough and it is pretty unsafe and risky. Slight carelessness could lead to fatal injuries"
Boy - " But Mom, then why did you not stop Dad from going and swimming in the sea?"
Mother - " Don't worry, his life is insured"

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Customers like you

An insurance manager said to a customer, "Thank you, Mr.Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

" Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "you know that I lodge many claims and always pay premium late."

The insurance manager said, " I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

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Sex & Insurance (New)

" If you sleep with your wife that's Legal and General.
" If you sleep with your girlfriend that's Mutual Trust.
" If you sleep with a prostitute that's Commercial Union.
" If you sleep with all types that's Group Life.
" If your wife lets you sleep around that's Liberty Life

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Last Wish
Mr. John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:
"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."
Mr. Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed
"I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".
Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".
The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a check for the full $30,000!

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Brother-in-law
Mr. Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."
"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.
"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."
"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."
"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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Professional courtesy (New)
Why won't sharks attack brokers?....professional courtesy.

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Insurance Executives Brain
A traveller wandering on an island inhabited entirely by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialised in human brains differentiated according to source. The sign in the shop read:
Actuary' Brains..... $9/lb
Loss Control Brains..... $12/lb
Underwriters' Brains..... $15/lb
Claims Adjusters' Brains ....$33/lb
Insurance Executives' Brains.... $87/lb
Upon reading the sign, the traveller noted, "My, those insurance executives' brains must be something!"
To which the butcher replied, "Are you kidding! Do you have any idea how many of them you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

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Marry an Actuary (New)
A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live.
The doctor advises her to marry an actuary and to live in South Dakota.
The woman asks: will this cure my illness?
"No" said the doctor, the half year will seem much much longer.

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Broker, Risk Manager & Claims Manager
A broker, a risk manager and a Claims Manager are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.
The Claims Manager volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed.
In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the Claims Manager, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."
The risk manager says that, OK, he'll sleep in the barn.
The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock.
It's the risk manager who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."
So the broker is sent to the barn.
It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep.
But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: It's the cow and the pig!

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Bumper Stickers
a) Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
b) Actuaries do it without risk.
c) Actuaries do it by integrating by parts.
d) Actuaries do it continuously and discretely.
e) Actuaries due it until death, disability or withdrawal.
f) Actuaries do it with varying rates of interest.
g) Actuaries do it with models.
h) Actuaries do it with professional guidance.

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Spouse or unmarried lover (New)
A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go to the office to do some work.

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Actuary, Accountant & Hippie
An actuary, two accountants and a hippie were flying in a four seat plane when the actuary calculated it was highly probable they would run out of gas and crash over the sea if they did not parachute to safety over land soon. The accountants found the parachutes and after several minutes of calculations came back together to announce there were only three parachutes, but four people. One of the accountants sarcastically looked at the actuary and said, "You actuaries are supposed to be so smart - why don't you figure out how 3 can equal 4?" The actuary seriously replied, "The proof would be a waste of time; the most logical way to decide this is to have the person with the smallest remaining life expectancy stay on the plane." When the actuary did the calculations, he decided that the 54 year old smoking hippie was the one who had to stay. With this decided, the actuary promptly grabbed a parachute and jumped out. The accountants looked at the hippie with a great deal of guilt since they hadn't comprehended the calculations or the logic behind the decision. The hippie looked at them and said, "Man, that really sucks! I wish I could have gotten my pot out of my backpack before that actuary jumped out with it."

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An actuary joke
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an actuary joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an actuary. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an actuary. And the guy sitting next to him is 6'5" tall, 250 pounds, and he's an actuary. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

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Pigeon Problem
There is a huge pigeon problem in the city - pigeon droppings are everywhere and it is a real mess. The mayor tells his staffers to find a way to get rid of the pigeons forever. Many things are tried, but nothing seems to be able to get rid of the pigeons. Finally the staffers find a "pigeon buster" who guarantees to get rid of the pigeons. The pigeon buster tells the mayor that he will get rid of the pigeons immediately, and that he will wait three weeks to get paid. The fee will be five million dollars - plus one million dollars for each question asked. The mayor agrees. The pigeon buster opens up his briefcase, removes a little pink box, and goes off to rid the city of pigeons. Sure enough, the pigeons disappear. They disappear immediately, and they don't come back. Three weeks later the pigeon buster returns to the mayor's office to be paid. The mayor hands him a check for six million dollars. The pigeon buster looks at the check and says, "I guess you want to ask me one question." The mayor replies, "Yeah. Do you have another one of those pink boxes that will get rid of all the actuaries?"

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Joke telling convention

Several actuaries were sitting around at an actuaries joke telling convention. These actuaries knew their jokes so well that they assigned numbers to them. In order to save time, instead of telling the joke they would just shout out the number.
"387" shouted out one actuary. The others all laughed loudly in approval of the joke.
"834 shouted another of the actuaries. The others laughed mildly at this one.
"1,023" shouted another of the actuaries. Most of the others laughed mildly at this one. There was one young actuary in the group who was rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically at that joke.
The actuary who shouted out "1,023" settled the young actuary who had been rolling on the floor and then asked him "What is it about joke 1,023 that is so funny?"
"I never heard that one before", replied the young actuary.

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Underwriter & Agent (New)
An underwriter , an insurance agent, an old lady and a beautiful blonde find themselves together on a train. The train passes through a tunnel and in the darkness a loud slap is heard. When out of the tunnel and in the light, they see that the insurance agent has a red five finger mark on his cheek.
The blonde is thinking: the insurance agent must have tried to grope me in the dark and mistakenly groped the old lady, so she slapped him.
The old lady is thinking: that guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped him.
The insurance agent is thinking: the underwriter must have groped the blonde in the dark and she mistakenly slapped me instead of him.
The underwriter is thinking: I can't wait for the next tunnel so i can slap that damn insurance agent again!!!

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Borrowing actuary
As luck would have it an underwriter lived next door to an actuary. The underwriter was getting sick and tired of loaning out the many personal belongings that the actuary frequently asked to borrow. After all, the actuary should have been able to afford these items for his own.
One day the underwriter saw the neighbor actuary approach. Planning on tricking the actuary, the underwriter decided to deny whatever request the actuary made.
Actuary: "Are you going to be using your power saw today?"
Underwriter: "Sorry, I actually have a lot of wood to cut with my saw and I will be using it all day."
Actuary: "That's okay. So I can borrow your golf clubs then, right?"

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Going to be up forever (New)
An actuary is flying on an old-style 4 prop plane to the annual meeting. Partway through the flight one engine conks out. The pilot comes over the intercom to advise the passengers that one engine is dead, but the plane is perfectly capable of flying on three, although this will delay their arrival time by one hour. A while later, the pilot advises the passengers that unfortunately, a second engine has ceased to function. He reassures them that the plane can fly on only two engines, but their arrival time will now be delayed by 3 hours. Shortly after, the pilot has more bad news - the 3rd engine is not working, but he reassures everyone again that the plane is perfectly capable of continuing with only one engine working, but that their arrival time will now be delayed by 7 hours. At this news, the actuary can no longer contain his frustration. He turns to the passenger sitting next to him and says "Boy that's just great - if the 4th engine stops working we're going to be up here forever!".

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Nudist colony
Question: Why did the underwriter deny coverage to the nudist colony? Answer: There were no sufficient rates to cover the exposure.

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